Sharing Lessons Learned
If you know me at all, you probably know my story. For those of you who don’t know me, I dare to say that my story is profound.
I am currently a professional dancer in NYC. I started Soutenu Wellness Club to teach Holistic and Integrative Health services through yoga, mindfulness meditation, breath-work, and health coaching. I am someone who conquered chronic illness and high levels of chronic pain. I found healing and am here to tell you how I went from
Bed-Ridden to Broadway.
In the fall of 2018, I was moving into a shiny new apartment with a dear friend, and working as a professional dancer. My health had been declining for some time, but overall, I was stable, secure, and happy with very few hardships. I was 20 years old and pursuing my dream career while working at four separate jobs, one of which was in a different state and required travel. I have always had a vision and drive for success. Needless to say, I was BUSY. I loved this busy lifestyle, but it was not something that my body could maintain. I was suffering with chronic UTI’s, getting one after another, for no reason at all. I was moving through doctor after doctor, trying to find someone who could help me with this illness. After many months, the infection inevitably moved up to my kidneys, which required hospitalization and soon after, surgery. My surgeon found that I have a duplicate kidney system with reflux and an enlarged bladder with cystitis.
Spoken plainly, my shit was whack! Hahaha
Coping with Pain
After three surgeries, the symptoms that led me to the operating table did not subside. Additionally, I developed severe chronic pain; 10/10 pain levels that lasted for months at a time, along with nerve damage. I couldn’t leave my bed, sadly. I had to put my dancing career (and any job that required even minimal effort) on hold. So with nowhere else to go, I moved back to Idaho in the summer to heal and find God. I cannot tell you how valuable that time was for me. I had the opportunity to ground myself. I didn’t have my health or my career, but I learned how to— actively and objectively, seek God. I learned to meditate and paint, which opened the gate to a deeper understanding of myself and how to use my own discernment to determine how I want to Be, in relation to the world. I got to expand my mind beyond any cultural or religious norm that I had known. I’m not going to lie, my openness to other cultures and wisdoms made those around me uncomfortable. Perplexed by the fact that these people who love me would rather watch me suffer than do something as simple as read another civilizations literature, I released fear, knowing that God was with me while I sought after him/her with everything that I had. I was seeking the Tru†h, with the help of Bon Iver and herbal medicine.
-side note-
Did you know that the body becomes physiologically addicted to opioids after just one dose? You aren’t even conscious of the addiction. The same is true for benzodiazepines. So yes, Little Miss Perfect, Prohibition Sally, the Prude, and whatever else I’ve been called for my impeccable record of sobriety and clean language.. hid her prescription in a super secret place and illegally smoked weed to calm the pain enough to sleep at night. Whew, I’m glad we’re getting that out of the way.(;
Although I was living in pain and illness, it was truly an amazing summer, and it happened just in time for everything else in my life to explode as well. Fortunately, I was prepared for the unfortunate.
In the fall, I found myself wading through a different river of suffering as new, earth-shattering personal traumas and loss left me completely empty— a void, really. I had nothing, I felt grey, and I was scrambling to find my footing again. I can’t imagine where I would be today if I hadn’t been so prepared from the previous summer. God was listening.
On my birthday, October 3rd, my mother and I packed everything and moved to California for better healthcare, and to find healing from this new trauma. I’m so grateful for her, the Goddess of a woman that she is.
“Over the last few months, I’ve been able to find some answers and explore new interests. I’ve gained a deeper understanding of the Tru†hs that have helped me find my bearings in this new reality. I’m a creative, spiritually in-tune, thoughtful, and horribly flawed person who has experienced insecurity in a more real way than I had ever hoped. So I’ve decided to be open about my life situation. I want to extract something meaningful and valuable from this pain… Something to implement in the world. I want to make things better and put an end to suffering to the degree that I can. Ultimately, through discussions, sharing supplements & regiments that help with chronic pain and disease, alongside supporting philanthropic organizations, I’ll be making resources available to help people. I want to be of utility.
So, my dear friend, you can see my intentions and the depths from which they come. I set out to not only heal myself, but to share the healing with those that are seeking it, too. For me, healing was never a question of ‘if’ but ‘how the fuck?!’ (Lol, read Powers Of Mind if you want a real head scratcher.) I hoped to find support in community, and a safe space to explore possibilities and ideas. I can say that I have successfully found my people on this great journey to restoration. If you’re looking for the same, Welcome to the community, my friend, my angel, my sweetheart.
“So HOW did you find healing?!”
Good Question! I’m getting there, chill man! (;
Yoga pulled me out of bed. I would literally crawl to my yoga mat each day. I was writhing in pain 24/7 anyway, so why not do something that could potentially help me dance again? I mean, I would have done anything besides cry in bed for another miserable moment. I came to the conclusion that my doctors were trying, but the healthcare system is horribly slow and by this time, I was already 22. My dance career was a distant dream, and I didn’t have time to wait on doctors that didn’t return my phone calls for days.
At this point, I was grasping…
…but God met me on my mat. Yoga is a purifying practice, and I welcomed The Divine into my body, my mind, and my life for purification. I began recognizing Divinity within myself, existing alongside the horrific pain. I noticed that after time, my pain would subside, and eventually, disappear during my practice! It would always come right back, but I mean…… I WOULD HAVE AN HOUR OF SWEAT, AND RELIEF.
lol I replaced the pain with hard work is what I did. Classic.
The Good Lord led my Goddess of a mother to Saitnee Chong, a Chinese Medicine Doctor in Carlsbad, CA. Her work was so impactful for us.. She changed both mine and my mothers lives. Through acupuncture, cupping therapy, and energy healing, my mother finally started sleeping again, and I would leave Dr. Chong’s table with several points shaved off of my pain levels!
After an episode of what I now know was a pelvic floor and abdominal lock/spasm, Dr. Chong, the energetic powerhouse and Goddess, referred me to an incredible Physical Therapist, Julie Neushul at BlueWater Physical Therapy. Again, this woman changed my life, and is a passionate advocate for her patients. She is definitely a Goddess herself, and I am so grateful for the hard work of her hands.
Lastly, and most importantly, I had to figure out a way to stop my infections. I was still living with chronic UTI’s and eating antibiotics like my life depended on it.. lol, oh wait, it did. Sorry, bad joke.
So, my Urologist— a leading specialist in his field at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. which is one of the top specialty hospitals in the United States and the world, decided that he too couldn’t help me. He was my last and greatest hope in western medicine. I was referred to the Infectious Disease department at Mayo, where my new doctor decided to take me off of all medication, just to see what would happen. Talk about fear.. I can’t tell you how severely I resented this decision. In my past, the sickness overwhelmed me and it would take months of physical therapy, over 5hrs a day, to see any relief from the pain. Oh man, I so vividly remember the depths of despair that I had felt. I had eight days until the scan and decided to use the time to connect with God, my life-giving force.
On the day of the scan, I was having symptoms and losing hope, but I trusted that the Tru†h would be revealed.
The scan came back PERFECTLY CLEAN!!!
I WAS HEALED
I’ve been 100% infection free since that day. I moved back to New York City in July of 2021, and am living my dream, as I pursue my Broadway career.
I promised that when God healed me, I would share this healing with others. I have made it my life’s focus to guide you through the river of pain and suffering, to the banks of liberation. Join our community here, and let’s walk this path to healing together.
